I don't understand what's going on with me lately. I tried to work on art commisions I owe, but somehow I don't feel like doing it. And then, I tried switching to art trades, but it ended up the same way. However, a lot of crazy ideas popped out when I opened a new blank canvas. I'm so hopeless, I mustn't waste time on doing stuffs for myself. But I couldn't help it.
Seeing I have 20 minutes before bed time, I'm just going to write what I felt currently.
I don't know. I feel, weak. Being surrounded by artists way better than myself, it's quite intimidating, to be honest. And they are all such nice people too, I don't deserved all the kindness. I feel guilty of my existence, sometimes, yeah. I do wonder... sometimes, if I am never here in this world, what kind of world would it be? I may just be one tiny human, I wonder if I actually make impression to this world?
I have always wanted to be someone people will always remember from time to time, someone people will go through troubles to make me feel better. But then, I realised all these are nothing but selfishness of mine. How can a rotten person like myself deserve all this good treats? It's so wrong. I dare not to think further, perhaps I'm just the kind better left alone. Solitary. It's not like I hate it, I actually pretty enjoy being alone. I feel peaceful with nothingness, emptiness.
No matter how much I deny it, the truth is, I am just a simple being. I'm happy when I get to draw what I felt. That is all. I don't have too much of desires, I dare not to. It only leads to bigger disappointment, I told myself. I just wanted to be happy. If I am happy, I feel succesful in my life.
But I wanted to improve on my drawing skills so much it pains me when I couldn't do it quicker. I blame myself for starting so late in the age of 16, it is my deepest regret. I just thought maybe I should be grateful for the this drawing ability given to me. I really should. I can not imagine what my life would be if I don't have these hands. I have to say though, I don't excel in drawings, my coloring is of average level, my concept and ideas are rather generic. People told me I make my drawings nice with textures. I suppose I'm quite good at texturing, but still, it's nothing to be amazed of, really. I feel like, if I have to choose one I'm best at, I would say, concept and ideas. Though, not the most original you see, but I do think I'm good at it. I do wish I can improve on English... well, I couldn't complain about this very much as I only started to learn English seriously at 16.
Bah, what a long ass whining essay I've written. Please excuse me, it's just me being emo. I now felt better after writing all these, I will manage myself somehow, please do not worry about me. I will just have to remind myself that I have a strong heart and everything will be okay.
Thank you for reading, dear lovely readers ♥
+ 0016 Contemplating.
Monday, August 2, 2010
at 9:44 PM
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4 voices:
I hope you'll feel better ;u;
eleven-sama, please take some time for yourself! You are an amazing artist. Don't ever lose your love for art~~
*btw sorry for being such a stalker ;u;*
Thank you so much, I appreciate it very much to know you reading my rants /shot
I will never lose my love for art, it's already part of my life, no, art is actually my life as a whole.
Don't worry about it ^_^
Please forgive me if I say this so late.
I think your English is better than me, lol. I still die on my essay at this time.
Improvement is something you don't notice, yes, but we can see. "wow, Evans getting handsome and handsome, just why! " we knew, your skill is already level up.I'm not trying to comfort you, I just say the truth. You're an awesome artist~
For me and kan, a great artist not only think about drawing skill, the most important thing is how is this person, something you can learn from them. Chinese doujinshi community is very chaos.We saw lots of artists copying, tracing, or using our ideas, or using our art for sell.They stop thinking.Usually we will think, if we not that well-know<<lol, it might be better? The answer in our heart is No,so don't think you're the simple being, don't think you're late, all your views right now just because you try to climb up more higher.
Don't you think your contemplating is your new journey beginning?
I talked so much OTZ...but, you're a very nice person and artist, I want to be your friend XD
NISOOOOO! Can't believe to see you here ;___; <333 /hugs
Yeah, after thinking a lot after this, I understand that it takes time to improve. Even by little, day after day it will gather and it will get bigger. I want to believe in that :)
It must have been hard for you two, it's just coz you two are such brilliant artists, people can't help but to envy your skills (including me lol). I just hope no art thief will exist in the world of art :(
Now that you say it, I think I can do it. I will start from today and hopefully, I will get better in time.
;___; Noooo, it is ME who wanted to be your friend, I'm very very very lucky to meet you and kan. I want to thank you so much from the deepest of my heart <33333333333333
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