+ 0016 Contemplating.

I don't understand what's going on with me lately. I tried to work on art commisions I owe, but somehow I don't feel like doing it. And then, I tried switching to art trades, but it ended up the same way. However, a lot of crazy ideas popped out when I opened a new blank canvas. I'm so hopeless, I mustn't waste time on doing stuffs for myself. But I couldn't help it.

Seeing I have 20 minutes before bed time, I'm just going to write what I felt currently.

I don't know. I feel, weak. Being surrounded by artists way better than myself, it's quite intimidating, to be honest. And they are all such nice people too, I don't deserved all the kindness. I feel guilty of my existence, sometimes, yeah. I do wonder... sometimes, if I am never here in this world, what kind of world would it be? I may just be one tiny human, I wonder if I actually make impression to this world?

I have always wanted to be someone people will always remember from time to time, someone people will go through troubles to make me feel better. But then, I realised all these are nothing but selfishness of mine. How can a rotten person like myself deserve all this good treats? It's so wrong. I dare not to think further, perhaps I'm just the kind better left alone. Solitary. It's not like I hate it, I actually pretty enjoy being alone. I feel peaceful with nothingness, emptiness.

No matter how much I deny it, the truth is, I am just a simple being. I'm happy when I get to draw what I felt. That is all. I don't have too much of desires, I dare not to. It only leads to bigger disappointment, I told myself. I just wanted to be happy. If I am happy, I feel succesful in my life.

But I wanted to improve on my drawing skills so much it pains me when I couldn't do it quicker. I blame myself for starting so late in the age of 16, it is my deepest regret. I just thought maybe I should be grateful for the this drawing ability given to me. I really should. I can not imagine what my life would be if I don't have these hands. I have to say though, I don't excel in drawings, my coloring is of average level, my concept and ideas are rather generic. People told me I make my drawings nice with textures. I suppose I'm quite good at texturing, but still, it's nothing to be amazed of, really. I feel like, if I have to choose one I'm best at, I would say, concept and ideas. Though, not the most original you see, but I do think I'm good at it. I do wish I can improve on English... well, I couldn't complain about this very much as I only started to learn English seriously at 16.

Bah, what a long ass whining essay I've written. Please excuse me, it's just me being emo. I now felt better after writing all these, I will manage myself somehow, please do not worry about me. I will just have to remind myself that I have a strong heart and everything will be okay.

Thank you for reading, dear lovely readers ♥